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| The only acceptable form of a beard. Which you can purchase from www.snorgtees.com |
If this epidemic has hit your home, I have posted a letter below that has been proven to eradicate this contagious bug that spreads throughout male communities in the winter months*.
*(Unlike Azithromycin to Staph, this is letter is only 10% effective as beards seem to be more of an MRSA.)
Dear _______,
This is very tough for me to write, but I feel something has been coming between us lately. It started off slow, but it has grown.
I don't want this to be a hairy situation, but I think you need to know how I feel.
It's about your friend. He started off kind of cute. Even warm and cuddly. But now, you can be in the same room and you don't even seem to notice how prickly he can be to me.
I know that you two are close, you even say you have roots. But he seems to get between us in every aspect of our relationship.
He is always in my face. When we talk, he's there. When we go out to eat, he's there. Even when we kiss, he is there. It makes me uncomfortable you and I never have alone time.
I think he knows it.
When you smile, he smiles- always mocking the fact he's so close to you.
Sure, he's the life of the party and everyone notices him. He tells you hanging out with him makes you look distinguished.
But the truth is, he's a slob. He's messy, always getting food on himself.
Last night, when I walked in the house, I thought there was a homeless man in our living room. It turns out it was just him.
I don't like giving ultimatums, but I think you need to cut your friendship short.
Sometimes using sharp words, that cut like a razor, hurts but it's for the best. It's for your marriage.
You have to choose: it's either your wife, or the beard.
Love,
______________________
Who is this "John" you're referring to in the third line of the letter? ;)
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