Facebook saves lives

I was sent a link to an article about people who refuse to use facebook and how their life is better without it.  When I am not busy saving the world from flying bats working, I spend a lot of time on facebook.  It's hard for me to imagine a life where I don't know that my third cousin took a large dump that looks like Abraham Lincoln or that someone is watching their 1989 VHS tape of Christmas Vacation and thinks it's hilarious.

My problem with online articles today is that there are so many of them, spewing out every second of the day that fact checking is not a necessity and 73% of article facts are made up on the spot (possibly even that one).

Here are a few of the errors I found in this article:

Article: "I knew all these things about her, but I’d never even talked to her."

Actuality:  This makes it much easier for me to scam people for psychic readings.  I will open up a shop next week.

Article: “I wasn’t calling my friends anymore.”

Actuality: Cell phones cause cancer.  Facebook doesn't.

Article: "Some people make the decision not to use it because they are afraid of what might happen.”

Actuality:  These are the same people who wear tinfoil on their head....speaking of which, we are out of Reynolds Wrap.

Article: If I want to see my fourth cousin’s second baby, I’ll call them.”

Actuality:  You cant see over the phone.

Article: Mr. Munns said his dating life had benefited from his lack of an online dossier: “They haven’t had a chance to dig up your entire life on Facebook before you meet.”

Actuality:  Mr. Munns said his dating life had benefited from his lack of an online dossier: “They haven’t had a chance to dig up your entire life on Facebook see who you've murdered with a shovel before you meet."

Crazy 8's

Which does Walter love
more: Batman or wearing
the spandex? We may
never know.

This is Walter.  He’s my BFF.  Walter loves everybody.  Infact, Walter gives things a persona and loves them too.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a boy Labrador, a girl poodle or the red couch, Walter will love them all without discretion.

A lot of people laugh at Walter’s hip shaking loving tendency.  But when it comes to human love, some people have strict rules of sexuality and it is no laughing matter. Recently, emotions have become high over gay marriage so I thought I would take five minutes and solve this world crisis once and for all.  You’re Welcome.

No matter which religious background, one of the main issues opponents have to gay marriage is that people worry children will be brought up in dysfunctional homes. No one wants to be raised in dysfunction; it leads to winecooler slushies for brunch followed by drawing penis art with the neighbor girl’s sidewalk chalk.  (You will have to trust me that the police don’t find it as funny as you and I do).

Activists for gay marriage refute this, stating dysfunction can just as easily come from a heterosexual home and is not a function of sexuality.

What I get from this is you all are just trying to keep little Suzie from a life of dysfunction and dancing for money, brought on by cracked out parents. (Very noble, it’s hard to give up that type of money once you start the dancing) 

So when two people want to get married, instead of rating them on a sexual orientation scale from flaming gay to brute hetero…..maybe we should rate each of them on a crazy scale. 

Once this scale is established, each person is assigned their crazy number based on daily habits, human interactions and how many Sinead O’Connor albums they own.  Once your crazy number is established, there is just one rule: People who get married cannot have their crazy numbers add up to more than ten. 

This applies to heteros, homos and even animals. With this new system, when opponents of gay marriage ask “Where will it end?  If we let a gay man marry another gay man he loves, what stops us from letting a man marry a goat he claims to love?”  With this new system, if you’re fornicating a goat, you’re probably doing other things that already make you a crazy 11 and not able to marry ANYONE.

Polygamy?  Not a problem.  Only the least crazy would be able to engage in plural marriage.  For example a Crazy 3 male and a Crazy 3 female only add up to Crazy 6.  Therefore, they could take on a sisterwife of a crazy number 4 or lower.  (Although, to be safe the couple should pick a 1 or 2, as adding anyone into the household will automatically bump 1^st wife’s number a notch with the transition).

In fact, I’m pretty sure the polygamy scenario is why my husband is so freaking calm.  This is America and he is hopeful that one day, when my crazy number drops low enough, we will be able to add a sisterwife without going over the number 10.  I have high hopes of this too.  If I take enough yoga classes and meditate 12 hours a day, maybe my crazy number will drop and I will have someone to do my dishes and tie my shoes.  She will be great.

Until then I will continue laughing and enjoying my time with Walter, dressing him up in the sweaters and superhero costumes he most loves….(add another crazy point to my number).


The Old Marriage Spectrum:

Banana Hammocks

I recently learned from my favorite blogess (theblogess.com) you can use a toothpick to write on a banana and the words show up a few hours later. I freaked John out when he woke up the other morning to a banana that said "hi john. eat me." 

As the week went on the phrases got better.... or creepier

"hi john, orange you glad i didn't say banana?"
"peel me and i will peel you"
"its peanut butter jelly tiiiiime"
"hi john, remember me from health class?"

John got sick of eating slightly bruised bananas well before this point.

This is why I don't go to the gym

Me:  I am so glad I’m not one of the hot girls at the gym.

Johnny:  I’m not sure how you want me to respond to this.

Me: No, it’s not a trick.  I was at the gym today and….

Johnny:  Wait, you went to the gym?  When was the last time you were there?

Me:  July.  But that’s not important.

Johnny: That’s a pricey gym membership for going twice in 6 months….

Me: (sigh)  The more you buy the more you save John. Everyone knows that.

        

Me: The important thing is the gym started their New Year’s special pricing early this year which means there are creepy 40 year old men that just come and sit on machines to watch the hot 18 year olds work out.  They follow them around from machine to machine and only do like one bench press in between starring at their butts.  I’m pretty sure they try to stuff them in the back of their trunks when they leave.

Johnny:  I think you’re over reacting.

Me: I’m not. One man didn’t even try to hide it.  He was still in his jeans and loafers while he followed a girl around. 

Johnny: Just because he wore loafers doesn’t make him a pedophile.

Me: They had tassels.

Me:  I think these girls need to protect themselves.  They should carry a shiv. 

Johnny: That’s illegal.

Me: Then she should get a tattoo of a shiv on their torso, like it’s being held in her shorts. And then when she is doing arm lifts and her little shirts rise, the stalker will see it.  Every creeper knows he shouldn't mess with a girl who knows how to use a shiv. 

Johnny:  Do you hear yourself?  Are you hiding pills?

Me: If I were hiding pills, they would be weight loss pills so I wouldn't even have to go to the gym.

If you are one of those hot girls, I have found a couple tattoo wepons of choice to intimated the 40 year olds following you around in their loafers.  You're Welcome.

 Armed and dangerous.

 I would recommend leaving off the vegetables.  He may just think you want to cook for him.

 Nothing says “don't put me in your trunk” like a machete.

 Dynamite is only necessary if your gym has 5 or more of these fellows. 

If you’re leaning towards this one, you and Mr. Loafers may have more in common than you think….just go with it.