This is why I don't go to the gym

Me:  I am so glad I’m not one of the hot girls at the gym.

Johnny:  I’m not sure how you want me to respond to this.

Me: No, it’s not a trick.  I was at the gym today and….

Johnny:  Wait, you went to the gym?  When was the last time you were there?

Me:  July.  But that’s not important.

Johnny: That’s a pricey gym membership for going twice in 6 months….

Me: (sigh)  The more you buy the more you save John. Everyone knows that.

        

Me: The important thing is the gym started their New Year’s special pricing early this year which means there are creepy 40 year old men that just come and sit on machines to watch the hot 18 year olds work out.  They follow them around from machine to machine and only do like one bench press in between starring at their butts.  I’m pretty sure they try to stuff them in the back of their trunks when they leave.

Johnny:  I think you’re over reacting.

Me: I’m not. One man didn’t even try to hide it.  He was still in his jeans and loafers while he followed a girl around. 

Johnny: Just because he wore loafers doesn’t make him a pedophile.

Me: They had tassels.

Me:  I think these girls need to protect themselves.  They should carry a shiv. 

Johnny: That’s illegal.

Me: Then she should get a tattoo of a shiv on their torso, like it’s being held in her shorts. And then when she is doing arm lifts and her little shirts rise, the stalker will see it.  Every creeper knows he shouldn't mess with a girl who knows how to use a shiv. 

Johnny:  Do you hear yourself?  Are you hiding pills?

Me: If I were hiding pills, they would be weight loss pills so I wouldn't even have to go to the gym.

If you are one of those hot girls, I have found a couple tattoo wepons of choice to intimated the 40 year olds following you around in their loafers.  You're Welcome.

 Armed and dangerous.

 I would recommend leaving off the vegetables.  He may just think you want to cook for him.

 Nothing says “don't put me in your trunk” like a machete.

 Dynamite is only necessary if your gym has 5 or more of these fellows. 

If you’re leaning towards this one, you and Mr. Loafers may have more in common than you think….just go with it.